Djeahnneaphpheuhr
by anmorata
Summary: Harry meets a new girl at school. And strange things happen. Includes : random slash, peculiar parings, Mary Sueness, awful plotlines, nudity and everything else possibly imaginable.
1. Dreams

AN : Mmm'kay. I don't own anything here. This is just a parady of those really dumb HP fanfics that hopeless girls write, and put themselvs in the story because they have nothing better to do than sit there and wish that some charachter from the books loved them, or something. Only this one is very very exxadurated. And poorly written. With very many spelling mistakes, because I'm too lazy to use spell check. And gramatical mistakes too - can't forget those.

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Harry woke up to find himself covered in cold sweat. He could only recall that his dream was about a pretty girl with blue eyes on a boat. Surely, that could not have scared to the point where he was so tangled up in his bed sheets that he nor Hedwig could move a muscle. Exactly what Hedwig was doing in Harry's bedsheets did not concearn Harry at that moment, as he was certain this dream meant something. All his dreams seemed to have meant something, and a gut feeling told him that this one was very crucial. He had never seen the heavenly girl in his dream. She looked like an angel mated with a Veela who mated with some sort of giant, but beautiful butterfly.

Harry found it quite disturbing that he was in love with a girl he has seen only in his dreams, and that likley did not exist. But at the time he could not help but wonder why he was covered in cold sweat - was it a warning sign? But whatever it was - he did not want to think about it, so he attempted to occupy himself in untabgling himself and Hedwig, which proved to be quite a difficult task, because he realized that somehow, Ron and Hermione (who both appeared to be naked), had became tangled in his sheets. This was when Harry had realized that Uncle Vernon was right when he pointed out that bringing a 50 foot long sheet to Rons house is not a great idea.

After many hours of painful untangling, Harry found himself at the breakfast table, along with Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Fred, George, Percy, Mrs Weasley, Mr Weasley and a woman whose name appeared to be JK Rowling (it said so on her shirt). Harry had no clue who she was, but she was writing busily on napkins, so he assumed she was a reporter - a really poor reporter, if it came to that. And also, a silent one. Harry had realized that it was compleatly silent at the table, save the sound of people breathing. He felt that Mrs Weasley read his mind when she broke the silence by saying, 'So, book lists came this morning. Came later than usual. We have to be on the train today, and we just got our booklists today. It's outrageous, I tell you.'

Harry realized that she was right. He finnaly had to go back to Hogwarts, which was a nice thought, as the Weasley household had been rather depressing lateley. Hopefully Hogwarts would be better. As they finished breakfast, Mrs Weasly pointed out that they had to drop by Diagon Alley to get their stuff, so they better get ready quickly, or she would set fire breathing garder gnomes on them. She had somehow managed to be able to control the psychotic creatures in her garden, right after they mutated last year because of the radiation from the Earth's core.

They said it was a sign - when creatures mutate rapidly. The creatures were preparing for something. Harry had a gut feeling he knew what the creatures were preparing for - but he felt better if he didn't think about it.

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AN2 : This is just the start. I have no clue where this is going. Im open to ideas, so uh, suggest something. I know its a bit dry now - hopefully it'll suck less later. 


	2. Reality

**Harry Potter and the Blue Eyed Something**

Disclaimer: Don't own the Harry Potter characters and such.

AN: The first chapter is over a year old, and I felt like updating this, for the sake of it.

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Harry and Weasleys arrived at Diagon Alley about 5 minutes before the train was scheduled to leave. Exactly how they managed to get on the train with time to spare was a mystery, but Harry suspected that Hermione's Time Turner was somehow involved.

On the platform, Harry felt unusually uncomfortable. After a while this became most unpleasant, so he grabbed a blushing Ron by the sleeve, and pulled him towards the train. Thankfully, the unpleasant feeling had passed, but he could not stop thinking about the girl in his dreams. The train ride was perhaps the most boring and uneventful train ride he had experienced. In fact, Harry was half hoping that a few Dementors would attack the train again. Or perhaps Draco Malfoy would come into his compartment to bully him. Neither of those things happened/

Towards the end of the train ride, Harry realized he really had to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, his compartment was way too full, and it happened to be so that Harry happened to be sitting not only farthest from the door, but also under 3 other people, all of which happened to be male. That thought made Harry quite uncomfortable. After nearly twenty minutes of pushing, Harry was free of the 3 males sitting on top him. This was progress, but not nearly good enough, as now he had to push through a 50 person orgy of some sort. Because of this over crowded compartment, he spent nearly 40 minutes getting to the door.

On his was to the bathroom, he felt the same uncomfortable feeling had had on the platform. He looked ahead of him and realized why: he just saw the girl in his dream. She was even prettier in real life. Her big blue eyes, bigger and bluer, her blinding blonde hair more so, her feminine curves more graceful. But who was she? To Harry it mattered not, as he had this sudden urge to mount her (completely forgetting his urgent need to use the bathroom, of course). Though, she was walking towards Harry, she did not notice him, which upset Harry greatly.

Continuing his way to the bathroom, while contemplating how to get her attention, he realized that the train did not have a bathroom, which was most disappointing, as he needed to go really badly. Harry sighed and went back to find his compartment to find it filled with even more people, most of which he did not know. After giving up on trying to squeeze himself into that compartment, he had decided to wander - perhaps we would see the girl yet again.

He did not, and this was most disappointing. The train ride was over though, and this meant he could finally go to the bathroom, which was quite a relief.

After finishing his bathroom duties, Harry found that the sorting will be done tomorrow morning, because the Sorting Hat had really bad diarrhea, and needed some Pepto Bismol, which the hospital wing had recently run out of, due to Professor Snape's constant demand.

Nobody complained that they started the feast early, as everybody was starving. Harry and Ron gobbled down everything they could without speaking. Harry realized that he could not see the girl from the train anywhere, and refused to let himself believe that she was a hallucination. Perhaps Ron had seen her too.

"Hey Ron, have you noticed any new students here?"

"Well, no shit, there are new students - they are called first years!" replied Ron, as if Harry was on drugs.

"No, dude. I mean I've seen some that are older, but I've never seen them before ..."

"Can't help you there, mate."

This was disappointing. He didn't want to believe that she was just a hallucination. Thankfully he didn't have to, as she and Ginny sat down right in front of him. He wanted to talk to her so badly, but had no clue what to say.

In spite, he nudged Ron.

"Hey, she look like a first year to you?"

"Hell no," said Ron looking up.

"Now you believe me?"

"Yeah," he said looking somewhat upset.

Dumbledore cleared his throat loudly, and everyone looked up. Harry almost immediately noticed that the girl was gone. Ginny appeared to be just as shocked as Harry was. How disappointing.

Dumbledore had started with a speech of some sort and for the first time, Harry did not want to listen.

"So, welcome back students, and staff. I hope you had a great summer, and ready to come back to learn magic. Before we go, I would like to apologize to the first years, on the behalf of the Sorting Hat, as it could not be here today to sort you. I would also like to welcome a few new people. This year, we are running an exchange student program. We have 7 students from Canada. They will be attending classes with the 7th years, whom I ask of to be nice to your new classmates. They, as well as the first years, will also be sorted tomorrow, when the sorting hat has been properly medicated. Good night to all."

This made Harry's heart jump - he was in the 7th year. He could have classes with her. And she might even be in his house.


	3. Sorting the Kittens

**Harry Potter and the Blue Eyed Something**

AN: I'm sorry that my chapters are all a bit short. I need to learn to write longer chapters. Gah. And still don't own anything. Just so you know.

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After the feast, there was a party in the Gryffindor common room. Said party involved a lot of Butterbeer and Firewhiskey. Most people did not remember the night before whatsoever, and upon waking up, wondered why they were naked in other people's beds, or why there were naked people in their beds.

Harry Potter was one of those people.

"Euuuugh."

"Whhaaaaa?"

"Ronnnn?"

"'Arry?"

"Wha?"

"Why you in my bed?"

"Dunno. Where my clothes?"

Harry had just realized the situation he was in. He was in his best friend's bed, naked. It took him another 10 seconds to realize Ron was naked as well. This was quite disturbing. The worst part was Harry had no clue where his clothes were. Nor Ron's clothes, if it came to that.

"Ron! Wake up!

"Whaaa?"

"Help me find my clothes!"

"Why?"

"Because I don't know where mine are!"

"What makes me think I do? I don't even know where mine are!"

"Why not? This is YOUR bed, you know?"

"Meh."

"Well, I'm not getting out of here until I find some clothes."

"I don't mind"

Ron tried to get up, but ended up doing a face plant as he failed to notice that his feet were tangled in Harry's boxers.

"RON! Those are my boxers!"

"Oh."

Harry put on his boxers and quickly ran around looking for his clothes, but failed. Eventually, he put a spare set of robes that he had, and went down for breakfast. Ron still could not find his clothes and had to ask Hermione for hers.

Harry went down for breakfast and found Hermione and Ginny sitting at a table.

"Hey Harry," Ginny greeted him.

"Hey, what's new?" said Harry

"Not much," replied Ginny.

"Yeah, except that Ginny turned into a lesbian overnight and wants to shag Kitty," said Hermione, as if she was bursting to tell somebody.

"Oh, did I forget to mention that my good friend Hermione randomly feel in love with Snape?" snapped Ginny.

Harry was slightly disturbed.

"Who the hell is Kitty? And Hermione, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Oh, Kitty is one of the exchange students. The hot blonde one. And I don't know what's wrong with Hermione." said Ginny.

"Ginny, nobody was supposed to know about my crush, just so you know," said Hermione darkly.

"Oh, shush it. It was obvious you wanted people to know."

Harry did not want to listen to them bicker, so instead he went back to eating his pancakes. A few moments later, Ron sat down beside him. It looked as though he had found his clothes, but upon closer inspection, it was clear that he was wearing Hermione's robes.

"Uhhh ... Ronn .. Why are you wearing Hermione's robes?" he asked.

"Why do you think?" Ron replied as though he was mad.

"Still hadn't found yours, have you?

"No, Harry, I have found mine - I am wearing Hermione's clothes because I think I look good in a skirt!"

"But Ron, you do look good in a skirt!" said a third voice.

Harry wished that voice said that about him, as it was Kitty, the girl in his dreams. Ron was not sure how this stranger knew his name or who she was.

"Who the hell are you? And how do you know my name?"

"I'm Kitty. From Canada. Your sister told me. "

"KITTY!" Ginny came flying out of nowhere to give Kitty a hug. Harry was green with envy. - he actually wanted to give Kitty a hug as well, but just as he was about to do so, the sorting had started, Kitty had to do to be sorted, even though Ginny was not letting go.

Eventually, Ginny let go. As soon, as he left, she said, "She better be in Gryffindor"

"Agreed," said Harry.

"Really?" questioned Ginny.

"Yeah, she's hot. And I dreamt about her days before I met her."

"She makes me wet." Ginny pointed to the puddle underneath her. "And that's not pee."

"That's great, Ginny." Said Ron, who appeared quite disgusted.

"Guys, the sorting has started." said Hermione. It appeared as she didn't want to hear any of this.

Harry had missed what Dumbledore had to say about the sorting had, and the sorting hat's song, as he was too busy staring at Kitty's left breast. The same could be said about Ginny. The puddle under Ginny was also gradually getting bigger.

To Harry's relief, Kitty had been sorted into Gryffindor. 2 others were sorted into Gryffindor. 2 went into Slytherin. And the other 2 went to Ravenclaw.

Ginny and Harry were both happy about this. Everybody else couldn't care less. And a few people ended up drowning in the puddle underneath Ginny. Ginny also became severely dehydrated and had to be sent to the hospital wing, along with her victims.

Timetables got passed out. Kitty was in all of his classes. Ron was in none of his classes. For some odd reason, Ron was very upset about that. The only class Harry had with Hermione was potions, which was first.

Hermione was excited about Potions, Harry was not. Ron could not figure out why Hermione was so excited. Harry, of course knew why, but felt it would be best to spare Ron of the strange news. Ron went off to his class, which he dearly wished contained Harry, but did not.

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Snape wanted a cat. He never actually liked cats, but during breakfast he had a strange revelation of some sort, and wanted a cat as soon a possible. The problem was getting a cat, of course. He wished he had this revelation last week, when he was not due to teach, and would have no problems going somewhere to get a cat. Now, it was too late, and this was most unfortunate.

His class, unfortunately, had begun, and this meant he had to teach. To make it worse, this particular class contained Mister Potter and Miss Granger. Maybe if he pretended that they were cute kittens, they would actually be bearable.

Thankfully, that approach worked and it felt like his day was 20 times shorter. Except this didn't solve his lack of a cat. He had decided to wander the halls, in hope of finding a cat. Perhaps, somebody had let their cat wander, and he could confiscate it.

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Crookshanks was annoying Hermione. He would not stop distracting her from her potions homework. Eventually, she got fed up, and let him outside to wander the halls. To her surprise Snape had just walked by, and Crookshanks had followed. Hermione followed as well.

Several minutes later, Snape noticed Crookshanks and looked around.

"Miss Granger, is this your cat?"

"Yes, Professor"

"Cats are not allowed to wander the halls! I am afraid I have to confiscate it! And 10 points from Gryffindor!"

"B-but Profess--"

"No buts, Miss Granger!"

He picked up the Crookshanks and left Hermione standing in the hall.


	4. That's not allowed!

**Djeahnneaphpheuhr**

AN: First, Djeahnneaphpheuhr is pronounced like Jennifer. It's a bit of an inside joke. But basically, my friends got bored and tried to spell Jennifer with the most possible letters. I just felt like using it here.

I also changed the title of the story to Djeahnneaphpheuhr.

And nothing here belongs to me.

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This was absurd. Her teacher had just stolen her cat. How could he? Hermione of course did not complain as this was a good excuse to visit her favorite teacher.

She head off to the dungeons where Snape lived and knocked on his door.

"Professor, I really would like my cat back!"

"You shouldn't have let you cat wander the halls then, Miss Granger!"

"BUT SHE MY KITTY! SHE MINE, BITCH! AN' I GONNA GET HER BACK!"

Hermione stormed in, and was greeted with a rather interesting sight. Snape was wearing only his knickers, and petting Crookshanks, who appeared to be enjoying the attention. Hermione had this urge to take off his knickers and mount her teacher. Instead she ran away. Snape had no noticed Miss Granger coming in.

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Class had just ended for Ginny, and this meant would get to see Kitty. Looking for her was not very hard, as Kitty found her immediately, with some apparently exciting news.

"GINNY! GUESS WHAT!"

"WHAT?"

"GUESS?"

"Uurm ... you're a lesbian?" said Ginny hopingly.

"No. You're Silly!"

"Then, what!"

"I legally changed my name to Djeahnneaphpheuhr Lynn Leanne Weasley-Sharkgirl-Government"

"Oh, what was it before?"

"Kathleen Smith"

"I see why you did that."

Ginny was very disappointed that Kit, uh... Djeahnneaphpheuhr was not a lesbian.

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NEXT DAY. DUN DUN DUN.

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Snape did not want to leave the cat alone in his office, but he had to teach. He was on the verge of calling in sick, but decided against it. He sighed, picked up his teaching things, and went to class.

Today was no different from other days - he let his class in, a few fights broke out, usually between the Potter kid and the annoying blonde kid. They settled down, and Snape started with attendance. Usually, attendance was easy, since he knew everybody. And then he was the name Djeahnneaphpheuhr Lynn Leanne Weasley-Sharkgirl-Government on his list.

"Which one of you is ... De-jeannie-fffhour Lynn Leanne Weasley-Sharkgirl-Government?"

"Right here and it's pronounced like Jennifer," said a voice from the back.

"What kind of cruel parents names their kid that!"

"No clue. That name was my choice."

Snape was sure she was crazy, to choose a name like that. Nonetheless, he kept on teaching.

"So, today we are going to learn to brew Felinitosis. If you drink it, you become a cat. So, um, don't drink it. Get into partners, by the way. Instructions are on the board."

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Harry was upset because he still had not talked to Kitty, who was now knows as Djeahnneaphpheuhr. Thankfully, she was sitting beside him, and she chose the first person she saw, which was Harry.

Harry, had no clue what to say to Djeahnneaphpheuhr, so he just leaned in and gave her a wet sloppy kiss.

"POTTER AND WEASLEY-SHARKGIRL-GOVERNMENT! THAT IS NOT APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASSROOM!"

Everybody was looking at them. Harry turned red. Djeahnneaphpheuhr giggled, and turned red as well.

There was a really awkward silence. Hermione dropped a pin, which made a sound like an earthquake. People started talking again; completely oblivious to everything that just happened.

"So, um, who are you?" asked Djeahnneaphpheuhr.

"Harry Potter." replied Harry.

"Sweet. I'm Djeahnneaphpheuhr Lynn Leanne Weasley-Sharkgirl-Government. Let's make out!"

"Good idea."

Everybody looked at them, yet again. And Hermione dropped yet another pin.

"Raincheck?"

"Before dinner, common room. Be there or be square."

"Deal."

Another awkward silence. The usual happened, everybody looked at Harry and Djeahnneaphpheuhr, and Hermione dropped a pin, and everybody started talking again, and forgot what just happened.

Harry and Djeahnneaphpheuhr finished their potion in half the time.

"Want to make out now?

"YES!"

Hermione was getting tired of dropping pins. She was also running out.

"Will you guys stop with all the silences - I'm running out of pins to drop here!"

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Ginny did not like Defense. Especially considering that it was now taught by Phlegm. She hoped that somebody, preferably Djeahnneaphpheuhr, would come and get her out of this dreadful class. Her wish came true, except instead of Djeahnneaphpheuhr, came Professor McGonagall.

"Miss Delacour, may I borrow Miss Weasley for a moment, please?" she said politely.

Ginny quickly ran to the door, without waiting for Phlegm to answer. They went to her office.

"Now, Miss Weasley, we have uh, matters to discuss."

"Care to explain?"

"As you know, yesterday, a few students drowned in your uuurhm, vaginal secretions. Unfortunately, the parents of those students are pressing charges. You will have to go to court. They expect you in court next week. "

"Do my parents know about this?"

"No - I spared you the embarrassment and awkwardness."

"Thank you Professor."

Ginny left the office feeling awkward. She did not go back to class, but instead went to Djeahnneaphpheuhr's last class - Transfiguration.


End file.
